Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
