It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
