this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
