the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Holy shit dude........stairs
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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