That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
