I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
