Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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