So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
