I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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