How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
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We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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