This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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