Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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