The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
