my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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