Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize
