hotel room ftw
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
