I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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