My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
