I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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