The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
