Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
