Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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