Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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