I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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