The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
