The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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