need another drink. this is the easiest way
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
