I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
