there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Of course I have a pirate flag
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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