he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
