Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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