He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
