I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
