So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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