We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
