watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
