Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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