my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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