why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
