Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
