I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
