1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
