people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
