She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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