I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
