South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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