I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
