So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
