yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
