I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
