Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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