Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
